Why it's OK not to have your life figured out in your twenties

It is a year since I went through a very personal period of change in my life and in my career and I thought I would use this.. anniversary I guess.. to share with you what I have learnt. Let’s start at the beginning…

So when do you become a real adult then?

Did anyone else believe, when they were a teenager, that they’d become a ‘real adult’ when they reached their twenties? I used to watch Friends and How I Met Your Mother and think ‘how haven’t they got their lives together by now they’re almost THIRTY?!’ Now, when I watch these shows I feel a combination of terror that an age that I once thought was in the distant future has crept up on me so suddenly, and relief as I sigh ‘of course they don’t have their lives together yet! They’re not even thirty!’

In college, I had this idealistic view that I’d go to university, graduate, and start working in some big company in a tower block, with huge glass windows and cubicles and security passes, because that’s what you see on TV. I thought, ‘ah cool, so after uni I’ll be an adult and I’ll have money and I can get a house and everything will fall into place.’ Ha! No - young Clare - you are wrong.

After graduating university in 2015, I was thrown into a pit of uncertainty and anxiousness. Despite applying to grad schemes since the September before graduation - and despite having relevant work experience and good grades from an excellent university - I had literally nothing on my horizon. No offers of internships or graduate schemes like my lecturers and careers advisers had constantly promised, and to be honest, I didn’t really know what it was that I wanted. I just wanted a ‘career’.

I thought I knew…

So I didn’t end up getting that career until 6 months after finishing university, but when I found it, I really thought ‘this is it!’     

When I started, I was told that I would be straight in the deep end, that the learning curve would be steep, and that they’d support me along the way; they didn’t disappoint. Soon, I was running a department, and it was so fulfilling seeing mine (and my team’s) hard work pay off. My job took me places that I didn’t think I would ever go and gave me incredible experiences; I went to Bangkok and Austin in my first year in the role! It was truly exciting, and I loved my colleagues (one of which is still my best friend), so I enjoyed the work nights out, and the weekends spent travelling, and I didn’t even mind the fact that minimum office hours were 8.30-6.00….but, essentially, work became life, and I never switched off.

I didn’t really realise the effect this was having on my health and happiness until it was realised for me.

Then I didn’t …

2 years into my career and something happened that made me think that maybe this wasn’t ‘it’ after all…

I spent winter of 2017/18 in and out of the GP with various issues (my favourite was a lovely bout of Scarlet Fever which I’m pretty sure was a thing that children caught in the medieval times). I took a couple of days off in April because I felt ill and had a really painful chest. I remember thinking that 2 days was more than enough to have off work since I had taken so many days recently and I felt guilty for that. So, I came back into the office and I literally sat in my coat, shivering, unable to eat, until one of my team said she thought I should call the GP and get an emergency appointment.

What happened next, was my GP effectively telling me that I had Pneumonia, and that my recent history was showing that my body wasn’t able to fight anything off. She told me that - if I didn’t make some immediate lifestyle changes - I was putting my health at serious risk. She signed me off for 3 weeks and told me to be on bed rest for at least the first week of that period. I cried all the way home, texted the office manager, packed a bag, and got on the next train to my parents, and I am not exaggerating when I say that I could barely get out of bed for those first few days at home.

When I started to feel a bit physically better (mentally I was still crushed), I started to get a bit bored. My parents live in a really remote part of the Lake District (which is stunning and surrounded by beautiful mountains, but when you can barely walk up the stairs there’s not really much to do there), so I found an outlet in art.

Rediscovering myself

I have been an artist my whole life, but I hadn’t done much between 2012 and this point (2018). I actually didn’t realise how little I had done in that huge 6 year period and I felt pretty shocked that I had neglected something that I am so passionate about. I had created 3 pieces in that entire time period (Hannibal, Chalk Bob Marley, and Small Acrylic Bob Marley) and this was the first time that I had been able to just sit down and have hours ahead of me to do whatever I wanted.

In that time off, I created these two pieces (above), and it was absolutely the start of something for me, like I had finally found it. And whatever ‘it’ was, it made me happy. Once my 3 weeks were up, I started back at work. I had thought (quite optimistically), that I could just jump straight back in and that things might get better, but as soon as I realised that they weren’t going to, I handed in my notice. Being told that my lifestyle was seriously damaging my health was one of the most painful things to hear, but I am grateful that it forced me to re-evaluate what I wanted out of life. It made me finally put myself first.

Now I’m not sure… and I’m OK with that.

So, leaving my job with nothing lined up basically put me back to square one. I might have been 3 years older than I was when I graduated (granted, I had a great deal of experience this time), but I was just as unsure about life as I was when I was fresh out of uni. 24 was an age that I thought for sure I would have my life together, but - once again - I found myself with no money and no job lined up. However, this felt different. Unlike after university, I didn’t feel pressured to be sure anymore. I used the opportunity to discover what actually makes me happy. I spent more time with my friends, I focused on my health and fitness, I found time to create more pieces and really explore my style, and I finally launched a website for my art.

After a 3 month break from work, I found a job that gives me balance. I am fortunate enough to be part of a company that gives me time to have a life and hobbies outside of the office. So, for everyone that thinks they need to have their sh** together by now, take some of the pressure off and prioritise your happiness for once. No, I’m not sure about the future (and that’s OK!), but I am happy with the now.

Check out some of my pieces here